I'm Every Woman

Last night's episode of Projekt Klumway sets up the juicy premise of things to come. We see the designers getting ready to meet up with Frau Klum at Parsons and find out what their next challenge is going to be. I enjoyed seeing Candy Kayne spike each of his hairs to achieve the proper Disney villain look.

We see and hear Jeffrey say how he is disappointed that Alison was Auf'd and that it should have been Angela. Becky please, did you see Vincent's paper pot holder?

The designers arrive at Parsons and Frau Klum reveals that this challenge will involve creating a look for the everyday woman. She pauses to say that there's more, but first they must bring out the models. Something's up as Angela squeals "Oh My God...Mom!". It doesn't take long before we figure out that the women before us are related to the designers.

Big Red bursts into tears at the sight of her mother and Jeffrey points out his mom to her. She chides him by saying "no frickin way...I thought she'd have a mohawk".

Frau Klum asks the designers if they're surprised to which they collectively respond "yes". She then asks each of the women to introduce themselves.

Judy is Candy Kayne's mother. The next woman is Darlene who exclaims that she is the mother of her delightful daughter Angela. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck bristle as she said this...am I a heartless bitch?

Patricia is Vincent's care provider...I mean sister. Pamela is Micheal's mom. Teresa is Robert's sister. Pam is Jeffrey's mom. Heidi is Uli's mom and Lorraine is Laura's mom.

Frau Klum tells the designers that these are their models, but there's a twist. They must design for one of the women but they cannot be their own mother or sister.

Michael gets to go first as he won the last challenge. He chooses Robert's sister Teresa. Frau Klum employs the assistance of the velvet bag to see who gets to choose next. It's Laura and she selects Jeffrey's mom Pam. She announces breezily to Jeffrey that she did this just to torture him, but let's be real folks we know it's true.

Vincent picks Uli's mother Heidi, which we'll call Heidi 2, so as not to confuse with Frau Klum. Angela chooses Laura's mom Lorraine. Candy Kayne selects Michael's mother Pam. Uli picks Candy Kayne's mom Judy. Robert says he would love to work with Vincent's sister Patricia. Which leaves Jeffrey with Darlene, Angela's mom.

There is a brief reunion back in the design studio. I think we her Uli say something to her mom in German about working in a shiza-video. I can only assume as they did not offer a subtitle translation.

Tim Gunn arrives and tells the group they have a special event to go to which is being hosted by a guest judge. They are taken to Tavern On The Green where they meet up with Michael Kors and his mother Joan. She is the celebrity judge for this challenge. I love the fact that her voice is all raspy. You know she just finished chain smoking at least five cigarettes before the designers arrived.

A bottle of champagne is popped and some of the mothers begin sharing photos of their children. Candy Kayne's mom pulls out some humiliating pics of a plus size child. Jeffrey's mom pulls out a picture of him with frosted hair and braces. She confesses to the camera that his life has been turbulent and that he is a recovering alcoholic. Quelle suprise, no?

Michael Kors drops over to Laura's table. They're comparing notes on the only child experience when Laura drops the 'b' bomb, that's right kids she's expecting baby number six. She tells her mom that she has only known since the show began. I think she's been knockin boots with Michael and I don't mean Kors. I see how they long to collaborate again. Honestly, I'm kidding but in my world that's the way it would roll.

Tim arrives after they are sufficiently buzzed and takes them back to the Parsons workroom. He reiterates what Frau Klum said earlier, their design should reflect the day to day lifestyle of their client. He continues to say that it should also be fashion forward and bear their style as a designer. They have 30 minutes to meet and discuss their ideas, plus one day to construct their garments.

Vincent is up to his usual antics and is making another *gasp* sheath dress. He embraces Uli's mom as he perceives her to be pleased with is design and she says something to him in German, which I roughly translates into "don't fuck with me cuckoo".

The true focus of this however is the caustic exchange between Jeffrey and Darlene, Angela's mother. You can just see that the loathing he has for Angela being transferred onto this poor woman. She reminds me of the Beatrix Potter character Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle with a pair of tiny glasses. After thirty minutes pass, the designers finish their sketching/consult session and are off to Mood.

Back in the workroom, several of the designers find themselves challenged with the task at hand. They're used to designing for unnatural sized women and since these are real women, i.e. mostly plus sized ones, they are forced to move outside of their comfort zone. Let's face it the real world ain't all about pretty.

Speaking of comfort zones, I was forced to move outside of mine as Tim Gunn spoke to Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle about Jeffrey's color choices. Jeffrey comes into the conversation and tells Tim that he didn't expect him at his workstation. Tim tells Jeffrey what Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle said. Namely that she is ambivalent about the colors. Jeffrey then gets defensive and starts taking it out on Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle. He tells her "I'm gonna make the dress I'm gonna make and if you don't like it you don't like it. I just hope the judges like it". Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle asks why she is being treated this way and Jeffrey responds with "I don't even appreciate you even standing here." He storms out of the workroom leaving a disheveled Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle crying.

Angela tries to console her crying mother by explaining that Jeffrey's simply an asshole. Jeffrey's mother downs a couple of mini-bottles and attempts damage control amongst the other women regarding her son. By this time Angela confronts Jeffrey and it's officially become an all you can eat drama buffet. The designers work until midnight and go back to their respective apartments.

The following morning everyone is anxious about the runway show. Tim comes in and tells the designers that they have an hour to dress and prep their models. When it's time for Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle's fitting, Angela tells her that when the judges ask her how she feels about the dress she should be honest and say what she feels. Jeffrey overhears this and thinks it's Angela trying to sabotage him. He did make Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle cry, so you can't really blame her. Meanwhile Vincent is talking to Uli's mom like she's mentally challenged, when we already know it's clear that he is the one with issues. He fit's her and asks "Is OK? I come downstairs...we do hair, makeup. I go with you."

We are now runway ready. Frau Klum introduces our judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and guest judge Joan Kors. She announces that there will be no immunity for this challenge. The first woman up is Jeffrey's mom Pam wearing an ensemble designed by Laura. The nautical idea is poorly translated and looks more flight attendant to me, especially with the scarf around he neck. Uli's design is next and is modeled by Candy Kayne's mom Judy. One word- flawless. It flows and fits her really well. Frau Uli knows how to use color and pattern.

Vincent's outfit is modeled by Uli's mom Heidi 2. It's a tan sheath dress with an enormous collar that looks like the Motorola "M". I just don't get it. Vincent meanwhile is most likely so turned on that he's at a loss for words. Candy Kayne's model is Michael's mom Pam. It's a pink silk napkin-bib over an orange tunic paired with Capri pants on a plus size woman. Not so good.

Angela's ensemble is modeled by Laura's mom Lorraine. It's a basic black tunic top and pants with a fringe wrap held in place with a brooch. At least there aren't any flourettes I suppose. When Vincent's sister comes out wearing Roberts outfit she looks like biggie red matron hood. It's big black black muumuu with a giant red wrap around the top. I'm fairly certain that the lifeless presence of Patricia didn't help sell it either.

Robert's sister Teresa comes out looking sassy in Michael's dress. It's a reversible black shirt-dress backed with a black and white paisley pattern with a printed belt. Jeffrey's dress on Angela's mom Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle is next. It was a mess. If the Macy's accessory wall had a witches hat, the outfit would be complete.

After the show the designers are brought before the judges. They start with Michael, Candy Kayne, Vincent, Uli and Robert. Michael is up first and he describes his dress as a reversible shirt dress. The judges like it, with the exception of Michael Kors who had issues with the belt. He felt it looked to "matronly". Then it's Uli's dress. My personal favorite. The judges agree that she truly understood what this challenge was about and her execution was once again top notch.

When they get to Candy Kayne the congeniality evaporates. They don't like his dress on Michaels mom. Nina thinks it's too "matchy matchy". Next they talk to Vincent. Before they critique the dress Frau Klum and Uli's mom have a short conversation in German. She probably asked her if she feared for her life around the crazy little man in glasses who designed her dress. The judges like it. I have no clue other than the remote possibility that the producers and judges are playing a joke on the viewers but what do I know?

Robert's disaster is next. Nina is upset that he went the easy way with the tank dress, Michael Kors says it's a good basic, but doesn't show her personality. The first group of designers are told they can leave the runway.

The next group is Angela, Jeffrey and Laura. The judges begin with Angela. She begins by telling them that her muse was once again Audrey Hepburn . Before she can continue, Michael Kors says something like it's more Stevie Nicks than Audrey Hepburn.

When they get to Laura's ensemble they are blunt and tell her it's ill-fitting and matronly. Jeffrey's creation follows and the judges go directly to Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle. They ask for her opinion and she confesses that she would never wear what Jeffrey has made for her, it makes her feel bad about herself. Michael Kors doesn't like it at all. He thinks it looks confused. We then hear one of Frau Klums infamous voiceovers. She says "I have to tell you I didn't like it...but at least I see a point of view here." This of course means that he will not be Auf'd this week. Frankly this leaves a bad taste in my mouth as it is clear to me that certain people are kept in the mix to skew the dynamic and keep viewers tuning in. See Vincent.

After the judges deliberate they bring everyone out for the final decision. Michael was granted immunity in the previous challenge, so he is safe and can leave the runway. Next they tell Laura that she is safe. Now its time to announce the winner. The winner is...Vincent. I don't even want to touch that one. I think Uli was robbed. Uli, Kayne and Angela are all safe and leave the runway. And the look on Jeffrey's face when Angela makes it never gets old.

So that leaves us with Robert and Jeffrey. We all know because of the voiceover who is going home. It's Robert, for his boring two color muumuu. Frau Klum tells Jeffrey that his outfit was a failure. She tellls Robert that they expected more out of him, but his designs are not fashion-forward. Thusly, Robert is "Auf'd". Backstage everyone laments the loss of Robert. Candy Kayne expresses his sadness in a tortured metaphor. "You brighten up my sunshine every morning". Jeffrey is also taking it hard and in complimenting Robert while choking back tears, also throws more backhanded insults at the others "They're not all good people, bottom line., and Robert is a good person."

After that they give Robert a nice round of applause and send him on his merry way. Which leaves me mentally and emotionally exhausted from this episode. Please people can we try to play nice? Phew!