Kissing a Fool

I have always been a firm believer that a true test of physical compatibility is through a kiss. It's called first base for a reason and gives you a preview of what's to come or at least that's what I like to believe now. I suppose at one time or another I thought this contained various forms of expression and because I had no literal frame of reference I wasn't able to define it. Now I can safely say that kisses have their own language and moment.

A conversation I had with "actor" boy last weekend said that kissing was far more intimate to him than having sex. Flash forward to awkward party moment number one. It was a St. Patrick's Day party at my friend Adam's place for our friend Ian who was in town for the weekend from NYC. It was early on at the party and I was having a similar conversation with a couple of guys. Apparently one of the guys I was talking to took this literally as an invitation. I consider myself a fairly perceptive person, but had no idea this was coming.

I will admit for the most part when it comes to things like this I'm oblivious, I must have been born without it and given a freakish savant penchant for details instead.

Because I am not a cruel person, I will not name anyone lest they have their feelings hurt. I certainly would be calling the kettle black if I didn't say that I have not transformed into Tara Reid from time to time under the influence of alcohol. This was not one of those moments for me.

After said conversation, this guy told me he wanted to show me a picture he had taken with Oprah. (We'll call him Green Goblin) I figured that was what he was going to show me, we just met and I didn't get the vibe that were cosmic lovers separated at birth.

The picture was in my friend Adam's bedroom. One minute I was looking at the picture and the next minute Green Goblin was trying to shove his tongue down my throat. I declined and exited as gracefully as I could. I wasn't interested and when someone is making advances under the precursor of alcohol and you are in a different mental space, well it just doesn't fit.

He proceeded to follow me around during the night, feigning jealousy when I spoke to other guys at the party. I believe at one point I said "Ian's my guy", in jest and his response was "I thought I was your guy". Trust me, in most cases this will send me running for the hills. I may act nice on the outside but my internal flight mechanism has been switched on.

However, the aside is, according to Ian that I made out with half the people at the party, which is NOT true. I only kissed three guys, Ian being one of them. Is that wrong? ha! ha! I am such a hypocrite. But that's not the point of my story.

As the party wore on, I think Green Goblin was beginning to get the picture as his niceness turned south. His final words to me were "Oh by the way, you have a receding hairline." What a narsty little bitch!