Not so Fast Love

Predator, I mean singer George Michael has been at it again. Michael's personal life hit the headlines this past week as he was caught emerging from the woods on Hampstead Heath, moments after fornicating with a man. Identified by Britain's News of the World as pot-bellied jobless van driver Norman Kirtland, this follows the star's erratic behavior in recent months which has seen him being charged with possession of cannabis after being found slumped at the wheel of his car in Hyde Park and investigated by police for colliding with three parked cars and not informing their owners. Hot Mess!

Part of the area (the West Heath) is well-known for its use by gay men as a cruising ground at night. There have been incidental attacks carried out on people cruising, and indecency prosecutions. Locally known as "The Heath", this public open space is located in the north of London and covers 791 acres. It has 25 main ponds and areas of ancient woodland, bog, hedgerows and grassland.

When Michael realized he had been caught on camera by the tabloid, he was quoted as saying "I don't believe it, f*** off! If you put those pictures in the paper I'll sue! "Are you gay? No? Then f*** off! This is my culture! I'm not doing anything illegal. The police don't even come up here any more. I'm a free man, I can do what ever I want. I'm not harming anyone."

However, pictures of the star did appear in the Sunday edition of the British tabloid.

Kirtland was later confronted at his home and candidly discussed his rendezvous with Michael. He insisted he didn't even recognize the singer at first and I'm inclined to believe him- Michael looks disheveled and bloated.

He said "We just started kissing. He did it very well. That was one of his major points. Then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic. I admit I was there for sex. But I'm astonished a man as famous as George Michael should even think about doing it. It's potentially so dangerous."

Michael went to the park after visiting the home of his longtime companion Kenny Goss who he had recently confirmed during an interview that he was set to seal his relationship with.

This is not the first time the singer who is slated to embark on his comeback tour has been caught getting his sexual thrills in public.

In 1998, he was arrested for flashing an undercover police officer in a California park toilet, the incident that outed him as a homosexual. Not that cavorting around with feathered frosted hair and fingerless gloves would have ever indicated this. In the words of my friend David K, "genius obviously does not equal brains!"

No Milan for Malan

I wanted to title this episode review Angela's Ashes, but since her backstabbing bitchery was not given the 'Auf Wiedersehen' this go around, the title goes toMalan.

Season three episode two began with the designers selecting their models. Poor Candace was the last one standing and asked to leave.

After this Heidi told the designers their challenge involved creating something for an American fashion icon. This icon was none other than Tara Connor last years recipient of Miss USA 2006. I would hardly call her a fashion icon, but this is must see tv folks, so they're going to paint some pretty broad brush strokes here.

The task was to design a gown for Tara as she was gearing up to enter the Miss Universe Pageant. Apparently Miss USA wasn't enough.

Candy Kayne practically lost his mind as chiffon and chintz are his thing. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a suitcase full of dolls that he brought with him, with whom he lines up and consults during each challenge. Jeffrey's observation of the whole Jon Benet Ramsay element was pretty funny too, but he needs to put his hood back up though. His tattooed neck scares me.

The designers began their sketches and subsequently presented them to Tara. During this, Angela cooked up a scheme where she thought it made perfect sense to bend the ear of prom dress designer extraordinaire Candy Kayne. Of course this completely shut him off and would subsequently bite her in the ass, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Time was up and the designers consulted with Tara to pitch their ideas. She looked completely amiss while speaking with Vincent, but that could have just been the editing. Then again, he's crazy as the day is long so maybe it wasn't.

Tim Gunn and Tara met with the designers and revealed the twist. They would be working in teams to create said pageant dress. One would be the lead designer and the second would be their assistant. Part of this challenge was to critique the designers on how well they worked together. Tara announced her picks for the lead designers and they are as follows: Laura, Uli, Candy Kanye, Vincent, Jeffrey, Malan and Keith.

Tim pulled out his magic velvet bag from which he randomly produced the names of the designers who had been chosen as leads. The team pairings were as follows:

Laura and Michael
Uli and Bonnie
Candy Kanye and Robert
Jeffrey and Alison
Malan and Katie
Keith and Bradley
Vincent and Angela

I loved the voiceover of Uli saying "I never verked in a team, I alvays do everything myself, I don't even know other designers" how very Marlene Dietrich.

The teams were given $300 and sent off to Mood fabrics. Of course Candy Kanye went for the iridescent chintz and glitz. Angela was bitter she had been paired with Vincent and attempted to micro-manage him.

The designers arrived back at Parsons where Angela and Vincent escalated their bickering.

Malan tells his Cinderella story of drawing dresses and showing them to his mother who belittles him and throws them on the floor. I picture him as a pasty faced little boy in a house with a big grandfather clock in the hallway.

They begin to place their fabrics on dress forms and Vincent tells Angela to back off at least three feet. If I were her I'd listen, he's certifiably cuckoo and armed with a pair of scissors quite possibly fatal.

Malan's dress is too heavy and looks like something out of a John Singer Sargent painting.

The next morning Tim Gunn with hands firmly on hips tells the designers to send the models off to hair and makeup. They will have three hours to send them through the L’Oréal Make-up room and the TRESemmé hair salon.

The models are prepped and judges revealed. Vera Wang is sitting in for Michael Kors. She looked like Kabuki death with her long black hair and shroud-like black dress.

Jeffrey describes his dress as "beautifully grotesque". Candy Kayne's dress is a Barbie Doll dream, it is bedazzled within an inch of it's life. There is too much detail in Malans dress, in fact judge Nina Garcia's comment was "what happened here?" I could see him reliving the pain of his mothers "you'll never make it" story from earlier in the show. Uli's dress was Greek Goddess beautiful. I noticed how Heidi raised an eyebrow when her model walked out.

The designers whose dresses scored high enough for them to move onto the next round are told they can leave the runway.

This leaves team Malan, Vincent, Candy Kayne and Uli. Each team is asked to defend their design. Uli does this with grace and poise. Candy Kayne gushes about his love affair with taffeta parfaits, Unicorns and rainbows. Malan blames the models physique, but I give him props for taking responsibility when all was said and done. Angela berates Vincent and thankfully the judges come to his defense. Either that or they're also afraid of him.

After a brief deliberation the judges agreed that Uli's Dress was the most modern and youthful. Tara loved Candy Kanye's dress for it's details- read garish. Nina remarked that Malan's dress looked unfinished. Remember folks, Nina has a thing for unfinished hems that dangle seamlessly above the ankle. Which in her world is the kiss of death.

The teams were called back and team Uli was told they were moving on to the next round. It came as no surprise that Candy Kanye's dress won as we know those southern girls like to celebrate prom forever. My pick would have been Uli, but then hey, what do I know? They too left the runway. Cuckoo Vincent was given a day pass and told he could stay. Katie too was told she could leave the runway and move forward. leaving Angela and Malan on the catwalk. When the camera panned away, I thought, what the hell is Angela wearing?! It looked like a fitted military jacket with a pink satin ruffled mini-skirt and striped stockings. Punked-out circus performer? WTF?!

Ultimately poor Malan was given the Auf Weidersen and I think I saw his mascara begin to run, when he said goodbye. It was sad. Like Anne Rice abandoning one of her vampire characters.

I can only hope that karma is a bitch and that Angela gets hers. Now that's some good tv!

You and Me and Sandy B

With the extreme heatwave ebbing a bit here in Chicago, I arrived home yesterday evening and was able to open the windows and let some fresh air in. I must say I am grateful a garbage strike is not looming like it was a few years ago as there is nothing worse than the stench of sun-baked trash. Except maybe some crazed Cubs fans congregating outside Wrigley Field all ornery and drunken.

The Gay Games are in full swing here and the neighborhood is abuzz. I decided to head out Friday night and take a walk around to see what was going on. Granted you could not have paid me to wait in one of those lines. The heat was thick at 9pm and the bars along Halsted were packed. I'm getting too old for this shit, but it's amusing to see regardless.

In conjunction with the Games, Sandra Bernhard gave an intimate performance at HotHouse which my friend Alex asked me to attend. I was a bit concerned at first as I know she can be ferocious if you fall into her eyesight. A co-worker of mine said that a friend of his ran into her and a small entourage at Angelina's restaurant a few years back. The story goes that part of his ear was missing as his boyfriend had bitten it off. Disturbing I know, but better his ear than something else. He approached her table and told her how much he admired her. Within moments of him walking away she was ripping on his mutilation.

As you can imagine for me mentally it was like facing fear head on. The venue wasn't very large to begin with. I still has my work clothes on and Alex and I agreed we would try to find an inconspicuous area to sit. Being a non-profit run space, it lived up to its name, if there was a/c on it was barely noticeable. However, when she appeared she was so funny. I think most of her routine was improvisational and less structured. She culled from a variety of subjects for about an hour and a half and I never laughed so hard. Maybe it is her totally incongruous method of delivery.

I left there unscathed and I can honestly say this was a kinder, gentler Bernhard. She did find a few people in the audience to faux mock, but all told it was worth it to see her comment on her appearance on The View and Mariah Carey.

I've tried unsuccessfully to find the full length video of her with audio as it's been the talk of the town. It's been a rough couple of months for those ladies. lol. Kudos to Ms. Bernhard for speaking her mind. It was exciting to be in the presence of a true original.

Toxic

The gym was crazy this morning and I totally forgot that they are refinishing the wood floors of a couple of the studios there. In theory they really should not have been open. The fumes permeated the air from the locker room to the lower level.

I cut my workout short because I was beginning to feel lightheaded and nauseous.

On the flipside though it is shaping up to be and absolutely beautiful day. Sunny with a light breeze combined with low humidity. I hope the weather is like this when I go to visit my family this weekend and that we are able to have a bonfire while there.

What It Feels Like For A Girl

I had a dream last week that I was wearing ill fitting espadrilles a long black sheath skirt and a blouse. In it the store visual asked why I was dressed up and I responded that it was because our previous store manager was coming back to help out for the day.

What up with that? I hadn't seen "The Crying Game" lately or Daniel Vasovic on Project Runway. Could it have been triggered by my burning desire to see Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada"? Was I channeling Anna Wintour?

I woke up in a sweat- the humidity was doing nothing for my dreams which are already vivid enough to begin with. I think my mother may be right, I need to purchase a mattress pad and drink less coffee.

I like to think that dreams are a combination of observations we make in a conscious state combined with the dark recesses of our sub-conscious mind. Years ago I had a dream that I was a black girl walking down a country road. The odd component was that I had a rather serious conversation with my mother the afternoon of that dream.

I must have been in my late teens because I still had my first used car which was a 1977 Volvo 244 DL. Bear in mind that it had many issues. It seemed that this vehicle was always in and out of the auto shop and getting parts for this car was pricey. If Kidney sales on the black market were lucrative at this time I believe the sale of one of mine would have been under consideration. lol.

Anyhow, in that dream I was driving away from my parents house as myself and moments later that car and I went into a ditch. I emerged from the automobile as a black girl and the sun was blazing down on me as I began walking up the street, which was an approximation of the country road that we lived on.

A friend offered up the idea that the race and gender change was a primal reaction to me coming to terms with being gay. Who really knows, but there could be some truth to growing into your own skin which in my opinion is one of the best parts of getting older. At least for me, or maybe I harbor secret resentment over Clinique gift promotions?