dog.day.afternoon

Growing up, my sister and I always had a dog or cat in our home. My father was a traveling salesman and would return on occasion from a day trip with a lovable furry friend in tow. I don't remember the Airedale terrier named Roger that we had, but I've seen pictures of him and clearly he was into everything. There's a photo of him with what appears to be applesauce next to him. I later asked our mother what this was and she said it was a slipper he had managed to deconstruct.

While perusing one of my favorites sites this afternoon I discovered this and thought of Roger and of our roommate's dog Luke. Luke is a Jack-A-Bee ( Jack Russell/Beagle mix) that asphyxiates himself when you walk him and devours any morsel in his path including discarded chicken wing bones.

Regardless, I love the stylized imagery. Not sure whether to get this book for my nephew Niklas who loves to read or for myself!

holiday.celebration

With an economic downturn in full swing or the proverbial shitter if you will, I thought it would be best for me to write about something other than BM's after dinner parties or a gay rim job reducing a Canadian mother to tears.

Maybe this is because my family, particularly my mother and sister would speak jubilantly about their BM's of which my father and I could never quite understand. Neither of us have had concern in that department.

Far be it from me to dwell on this topic, so I will move on to share with you all the story our favorite Barista at our morning coffee stop, Pause. She is none other than the lovely Ally, hailing from my home state of New York. I can clearly remember one of her first days where she was still learning how to ring on the register. (cue sweeping chorus and Disney bluebirds here)

Ally was destined to be an over the counter friend. She's also a wee bit witchy in her ways and has on occasion placed horoscopes by the register. One of the columns she would reference for inspiration was a woman by the name of Holiday Mathis.

Wally and I like to give our friends and acquaintances nicknames and our little Ally needed a pseudonym-- thus, Holiday Mantis was born. After which she promptly thanked us and devoured our heads.

butt.seriously

Dear American Apparrel-
Whatever are we going to do with you? You want the masses to wear your hip and overpriced baby-sized clothing so that the world looks like it's trapped in a 70's roller rink cum-porno, but having a free publication in your store with a rim-jobbing pictorial extravaganza shot at Herb Ritts’ former mansion- really!

Please send me a copy next time.

Toodles!

witch.baby

Class is back in session for Wally and his Young Adult Literature class has me excited because I also get to read some of the books he's reading. He calls them baby books because they are short and sweet- the best kind of book for me!

I recently finished reading Francesca Lia Block's Weetzie Bat. The narrative follows the adventures of Weetzie and her best friend Dirk, their friends and relations. On being granted three wishes by a genie, Weetzie discovers that the ramifications of her wishes are not exactly what she had been expecting.

One of the chapters is titled Witch Baby, a nickname Wally and I used for a former Pause Coffee Barista. She once told us that she and her boyfriend shopped at Whole Foods Market otherwise known by many as Whole Paycheck-- organic food don't come cheap. She said that they only spent around $38 a week. I can only imagine they feasted on Quinoa and foraged in the dumpster behind.

Suffice to say the cup doesn't fall far from the pot as the wind whispers that our Witch Baby is now working at Metropolis Coffee up the street.

I imagine she uses voodoo to get her way and now you can too. Don't worry, these are just for fun- I should know as I've sent numerous ones and they haven't worked.

I also just finished watching this and I am in awe.

tears.of.a.clown

Last night I found myself getting all innie vs outie about my age. Maybe it was our friend Shelley in San Francisco instructing Wally to throw me a big four-o bash this year or the after effects of whiskey I nursed while watching Lost at our friend Jeff and Troy's place last night.

No wait- it was these! As much as I marvel at modern technology and Photoshop Facelifts, these images of Madonna, Madge, Mdolla whoever she is currently made me have one of those closeup camera shots that focuses on your freaked out face and then zooms away for a full body shot to emphasize the impact of that moment.

Great letter.

Scary pictures.

Discuss.

bull.in.a.china.shop

Recently during a mild and temperate winter's day I happened to be passing by the acupuncture clinic by our home. We live in a predominately Vietnamese neighborhood and this clinic is what I'd describe as upscale for our neighborhood.

I decided to pop in and see if they would accept my health care plan as I was curious about the benefits of acupuncture. I explained to the therapist behind the counter that i had been experiencing some discomfort in my shoulder and wanted to know if this treatment could provide relief. He filled out what looked like a very colorful bingo card with a list of times and dates and handed it back to me. All I saw was that the total amount of therapy would cost $6,000.

I thanked him, told him I would have to take this into some consideration and left. When I went outside there was a commotion in the parking lot next to the clinic. A group of Asians were preparing for what appeared to be an impromptu parade complete with a dragon.

I went to grab my cell phone and realized I had taken the wrong one when I left the house. I knew it was Kringle's as it was in the shape of a cartoon lion with the face cut out so you could see the incoming call. I found our number and called Wally and David to let them know I had Kringle's phone and to ask Wally to bring me mine.

I got our answering machine which has me singing a message to the tune of Madonna's "Express Yourself". Every time I hear this I cringe and think of how I need to change it. The machine clicks on and I hear myself singing a couple of verse which then switches to another voice singing a Bee Gee's song. I immediately mutter "Catty" under my breath and put that in my to do list of things to ask Wally about.

Exasperated, I decide since I'm not far from home and it's such a nice day, I would ride my bike to work. As I'm getting my bike out I run into Wally and David and explain how I have Kringle's phone and did they see mine to which Wally replies No, but he'll look for it. I ask them if they knew about the parade as I know Wally would want to take pictures.

I kiss Wally goodbye and head out the door. By this time there are a lot of people gathered on the street to watch the parade and so I have no choice but to ride my bike along the parade route. Hoping I'll avoid it, I end up getting caught in it. As is typical of Chicago weather the day has gone gray and it begins to rain. I am following my bike up Argyle and into a warehouse with the rest of the parade.

One of the performers crashes into a fruit stand in the warehouse knocking over some of the fruit which appears to be mostly rotten. The vendor tells this performer that he owes him $20 to which he and the man get into an argument that he is selling rotten fruit and...then I woke up.

The end.

does.my.pussy.smell?

I still have clear memories of my dad giving our dog a haircut when my sister and I were growing up. Afterward He would have a pile of soft black hair nearly the size of our dog.

Fast forward to the present and Wally and I have a cat named Caribou (no, not after the coffee shop and lord knows why I named her that years ago). I like to call her booty baby as it looks like she has little different colored boots on- Wally would say this stands for her backside, which is a bit full I suppose.

Wally has taken to brushing Bou- which he tries to trick her into by feeding her and then brushing her while she's eating. It goes something like "mreeeeoooo, crunch, crunch, crunch, mreoooooooOOOO," etc.. He'll come back and show me the clumps of sandy colored fur, which admittedly are ample.

Which brings me to this lil' nugget. Did you know that you could have your cat or dogs hair spun into yarn and subsequently made into a small handbag or mittens? Perhaps you have so much of the stuff you could even have it woven into a quilt. I'd like to think that the next time I have my hair cut I could collect the clippings and have our hair spun together. Although my hair is quite coarse and would make for an itchy sweater I'm sure.

In other knitting news comes a graffiti group who tag with hand knits instead of spraypaint.

pot.luck

Lately I've been getting the itch to start blogging again. What with my rabid fan base and my quest to regain the former fame and glory of my previous endeavors- the itch has become more of a rash- (tongue planted firmly in cheek.)

Being the day before a new era begins in our country I felt it timely to document my social faux-paus at our friends Benjy and Erik's dinner soiree last night. Suffice to say when I heard the word nominee, I thought it was a conversation about announcing the nominees for the Academy Awards- oopsy!

The dinner party was lots of fun and a great way to spend a Sunday evening. It was small dinner party and the invite was plenty enough to get Wally and I to attend, I mean how often are you invite to a party where the host will be serving a risotto that give you cardiac arrest and a desert that makes your face melt? I always did love that scene where face melts in Raiders of the Lost Ark. There was also mention of bringing a side that would make thge attendees shit their pants-

Our side was a roasted butternut squash soup- which was mostlt roasted acorn squash as the local supermarket only had two butternut squash and we needed to make enough soup to feed eight. The challenge was to also make everything vegitarian friendy, so we replaced the chicken stock with veggie stock and I must say it was still quite tasty- although methinks that all the veggie food is cleansing my system today. I've pooped three times today already.

That must be why Benjy and Erik always stay so trim.